Last time we talked about coming back from infidelity from the point of view of the hurt partner. If you haven’t seen part one, you can watch it here.
In my latest video, Coming Back from Infidelity Part Two: What the Involved Partner Needs to Know, I discuss:
- The two most important characteristics the involved partner needs to move into repair
- The built-in asymmetry between the hurt and involved partner
- Being sorry for the infidelity vs. being sorry for the damage
- Moving out of shame and into remorse
Leave me a comment below the video and let me know what you think.
Stay tuned for a new course taking a deep dive into infidelity coming in October!
Hi,
I am a therapist and wonder if you have an advice:
Some times infidelity could be a way out from one of the spouses (the involved partner), how can you help the hurt partner if the involved partner wants to be out of the relationship and has no interest what so ever to repair the damage?
Best Regards
Adriana
Hi Adriana,
I think your observation is crucial and I would ‘speak to the truth’ of this, however, the involved partner does still have to realize that their way of ending the marriage was not how it should be and they better work a LOT on speaking their truth in future in a constructive way. I would work on getting them to own up to this so that the partner that’s left knows it’s not the affair per se that ended the marriage, but the fact that there were other unspoke things on the table and that this too is unfair as it didn’t give them opportunity to make a choice as to what to do about them. I hope this give some food for thought? Good luck, this is never simple work is it?.
Thanks for the video. I have taken several of your mini courses and find them really helpful and will definitely take others. Here is my dilemma.
My client cheated on his wife one night (the one and only time) while she she was in the hospital from attempting suicide. My take is they both were unable to cope and couldn’t find solace in each other. Isn’t the attempted suicide also a form of betrayal by abandoning the marriage, children, etc. Perhaps even more so than infidelity? I would appreciate your thoughts on this.
Really Joyce? Her suicide attempt being a form of betrayal possibly more than his infidelity?? What? Your client chose to cheat on his wife for selfish reasons–help him work through those reasons rather than giving him ammo to blame his wife. Help him learn how to help is mentally ill partner, rather than chuck her under the bus. Remember—“in sickness and in health.”
Terry, I mentioned this in the last video, but comments like Joyce’s do harm. Please address how therapists can multiply the trauma of infidelity by not taking a trauma-informed perspective.
Joyce, I’m sorry your sincere question was dismissed so insensitively. No doubt, the couple you are referencing have had much going on that we know nothing about. And I think I’m understanding the point to your inquiry. What you are addressing, it seems, relates to how people react to abandonment. And I agree, they both demonstrated an inability to cope, constructively. And yes, while it would be hard to reconcile for the partner who found herself in a 72 hr. hold after breaking down, it makes sense from his perspective why her attempt felt like a betrayal.
Hi Joyce, I found this such an interesting case, and understand totally the thoughts you have, and so my take would be to share this with each of them, in such a way that each stands accountable for the hurt they caused the other? Sounds so simple but of course not – will take a lot of gentle ‘unpicking’ and much concentration on the ‘no blame’ yet, holding of oneself in warm regard, and taking responsibility for the hurt caused to the other. Good luck with this work. It will be a deep and at times excrutiatingly painful journey I imagine, but could bring enormous healing on so many levels at the same time.
Hi Joyce,
I can completely understand how your client would feel betrayed by his wife’s suicide attempt. I wouldn’t put a value on more or less of a betrayal as that would be for them to explore together. It sounds like you are seeing just one person in this case. I would ask for a release to speak to the wife’s therapist and perhaps refer them for couples therapy so that they can get help with their feelings around both the suicide attempt and his infidelity. In order to take responsibility for betrayal (suicide attempt and infidelity), they both have to gain a deeper understanding of the dynamics, issues and the feelings of the other.
Thank you for this! So helpful… I work in a multicultural expat society where couples sometimes lose their way, they are far from home, support and family and moral compasses go awry. Your input is apt, realistic and a reality check on how hard the experience of going astray can be.
What are your thoughts on serial infidelity? The couple has been married 25 years and the husband has confessed to multiple affairs throughout their marriage. The wife found out 20 years into their marriage and decided to forgive and try to save the marriage. She has now found out that he is again having an affair with his friend’s wife.
Insightful, thank you Terry. I can see how that in built asymmetry between the hurt partner and the involved partner might contribute to the involved partner feeling impatient when they are unaware of it.
Thank you for these guidelines. One thing I ponder with one couple I see.
I have learned that recovery is measured by frequency, intensity and duration.
Does this have merit with the aftermath of an affair too?
If the recovery rate is recorded of the engaged partner, there is nonoccurence of any former behaviors or patterns, nonoccurence of desire to re engage in an affair and a whole-hearted attempt by the engaged party towards ownership of both their behaviors and the hurting partners hurts, fears and questionsin a compassionate way but……
The fears of the hurt partner are nearly the same 8 months after the affair as when the affair first happened
……. at what point does it become non-helpful for the hurt partner to question every move?
This video was helpful. I look forward to the program in the fall.
What if the wife never respected the husband, never paid the bills, never took out trash, hardly says thank you for anything, won’t call her hubby by his first name and he cheats on her; does she have any ground to stand on ? The husband feels like shit at home.
Thank you for the video. I do agree that it is the most important task to sit in the “ring” and show empathy and compassion to the hurt partner. There needs to be a fostering of a healthy relationship and environment for all.
My question is: at what point does the hurt partner need to take responsibility in forgiveness, empathy, and compassion as well? In my case, it has been over two years and my spouse continues to stay in a stuck place, living in fear, and not able to work with me in creating a better relationship. She prefers to stay angry and blames me for all the problems in our relationship. She evens yells at me to go get divorced, in which I did sign paperwork, and then yells at me for signing paperwork. She lives in fear and has no idea what she wants and continues to keep me at poles length and wonders why we are not getting along.
I so wish I could send this to my husband. You are describing everything I haven’t experienced in recovery but wanted to. 2.5 years later he can’t even handle me mentioning a trigger and is still so preoccupied with himself he can’t/won’t see anyone else’s pain. So we are separated and, of course, now he is definitely the wounded one in the situation because I left. I don’t regret it. I am finally getting peace and healing now that I don’t have to deal with being the target of his rage anymore.